Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
