I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
