drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
