11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
