I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
