I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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