She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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