just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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