update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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