Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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