Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
