Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
