He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
