If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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