wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
