Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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