I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
