I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
