I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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