Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
