I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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