I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
