I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
