she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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