i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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