Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
