Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
