No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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