New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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