I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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