hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
