Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
That was an excessively violent trivia night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
