if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
