i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
