walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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