I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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