Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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