I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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