If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
