we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
