I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
