We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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