oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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