Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
