So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
