Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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