Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
