So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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