So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
