She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
