I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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