is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
