I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize