Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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