MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
