he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize