I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
