Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
