just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
